useofaswhat | 001 ✫ Video

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Afternoon, folks. – Evenin', now. [The man on screen clears his throat and nods in greeting, a little awkwardly. (And no, he's not actually wearing a floral bonnet. ~~Today.~~)] This Admiral fella wanted a handful o' help and thought I was the man to give it so wǒ zài zhèlǐ. Name's Captain Reynolds, Mal if you ain't one to stand on ceremony. I'm sure it's fine to meet you all, and if it ain't, you go ahead an' let me know. [There's a smile purely for the sake of decorum, which drops off his face almost immediately as his eyes rake over something off-screen, as if reading.]

Let's see what we got here, then... Prison ship, eight levels and two additional restricted areas, complete with library, common rooms, medbay, an' my personal favorite, fully stocked kitchen. Probably serves better'n protein too. Laundry services, showers, art therapy facilities, and gardens included. Now that don't sound like any prison I ever been to. Hell, y'all even got a bar? Got quite a slick operation here, real nice 'n cozy.

But it still ain't as good as my boat.

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[Policewoman with an odd accent aside, she has one thing going for her: she's not Alliance. He just hopes the fact that they're both wardens is enough to keep her from sniffing too closely around him, no pun intended.] Uh, yeah, got no proper idea what that means. Where's Ankh-Morpork?

A planet called the Disc. It's okay, no one here knows it. [SIIIIGH.] We don't have spaceships or anything. A bit rustic by your standards, I think.

Never heard o' it. Is it really a disc? Like, board-flat?

Hey, every planet's different. Plenty in my 'verse don't have an abundance of tech an' they get along all right.

Yes, exactly. A big flat disc on the back of four elephants, on the back of a world turtle.

Really? Do they have electricity?

Really? You sure about that? That don't sound like any kind of planet I've ever seen. How does the turtle breathe?

Depends where you go. Some o' the border worlds only got it for the rich folk, mayors an' lawmen an' such, while everyone else makes do with candles. You go to the Core an' everything runs on it, there's no gettin' away.

I don't know, Captain -- it's a world turtle.

Really? Sounds like I'd be right at home in one of your... border worlds, then. We don't have it at all. That part of coming here was a very nice change indeed.

Exactly! How many o' those are there? You'd think someone'd be checking up on it.

That's the advantage to livin' on a ship. Got everything you need, no matter where you go.

I suppose the wizards must check in every once in a while. I admit to not pondering the greater, er, scientific implications all that much.

I rather think that depends on what kind of ship you mean, but I take your general point.

[And now she hesitates.] I... saw that you had a chat with Buffy Summers. You seem to be taking that end of it pretty well in stride. The supernatural bit, I mean.

Was talkin' about my girl. This [gestures to the Barge around him] kinda ship.

Yeah, well... [It seems fairly impossible, but she clearly wasn't kidding, and he'd already accepted a lot. Probably too much for one day, really.] I ain't sayin' I believe it, an' I ain't sayin' it isn't true. Just startin' to think what I believe might not make an ounce o' difference.

Well, yes, that happens to be true. There are two vampires, two zombies, one werewolf, and one dog hybrid on the Barge at the present... along with a handful of aliens and other things. [She cares much less about those.] Mr. Dracula's in charge of Vampire Issues; if you have any problems with the other undead... or any of the wolves on board, I suppose... you can take it up with me.

Regardless of what you believe, I'm afraid.

Ah... [Mal scratches his head. That's a lot of weird information to take in at one time.] ...Right. Well, I ain't got any bad blood toward 'em if they ain't got any toward me, but. Good to know?

I'm glad to hear it, Captain. I don't have any bad blood toward you, either.

So that'd make you... wolf-woman, huh?

"Werewolf" will do just fine.

If you don't mind my askin', how's that work out if we land on a moon?

[She opens her mouth... and closes it again, blinking.]

...I can't say I'd ever thought of that before.

Captain, d'you mind if I ask kinda an indelicate question? One you don't gotta hear if you don't want.

Well, I'd say you probably can't surprise me, but apparently you can... Which is pretty impressive, just so you know.

Still, all right. I'd rather talk about it with you than have you get your answers, um, elsewhere. [Like from a slayer. :|]

Keeping in mind I never met a werewolf before, uh, an' didn't think your folk were, strictly speakin', technically, real... When you're turnin' fuzzy, you don't go all wild, do you? Seein' as you're a warden you probably got some handle on it, but... [But they'd have to look out for wolves and coyotes back on his mama's ranch on Shadow and he's seen the ranch-hands take some damage from them. Can't be too careful.]

[It's... frustrating. It's always frustrating, all these years of being a model citizen and still having to field the "wild animal" thing. But for gods' sake, she tells herself, at least he's asking, and presses her lips together in a tight little smile.]

No. It doesn't work that way, Captain. I'm just me. I'm always me. The worst thing I do is stop being a vegetarian every once in a while, and I always try to make up for the chickens. Your shins are safe. [Or jugulars, really, but she feels it pays to downplay things like that.]

[Asking is actually on the "extremely polite" side for him. He even prefaced the question with a warning! This is Mal at his classiest, for what little that's worth.] Gotta thank you for that, ma'am. They're very nice shins.

Bet you get that round the clock, huh?

It comes up on occasion. [Dry as a bone.]

But better asked and answered, isn't it? It's all right. I've been told bites are a worry, too, so I may as well tell you: I don't, and if I did, it wouldn't do anything to you except make you go "Ow."

Can't imagine why.

Considerin' we got that outta the way I wasn't gonna ask, actually, but glad to hear it. Dunno about werewolves but I've seen wolf bites before an' they ain't pretty.

Oh.

Well, I really don't, anyway. In practice the only difference is that I know what you all smell like and sometimes manage to find whoever the latest Barge killer is.

Gonna apologize for that bit in advance, then. [Clearly he's going to need to freshen up.] But leastways it's got its advantages, fellas like me aside. You get a lot of killin' on this Barge, best to have you around.

Edited 2012-08-03 06:16 (UTC)

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